Let's Talk About The Female Brain After a One Night Stand
A morning consisting of a fuzzy, fried and foolish brain. I shamefully walk into work (after the guy whose face or name I can’t even remember drops me off) and reminisce on the one night stand the night before.
Where are my undies?
Well fuck. Where's my phone? In the pool. Where's my dignity? Lost.
Staring at the remnants of the kebab and goon and Vodka and Baileys and every other alcohol mixed to mankind infused vomit on my shoe, along with the feeling of that intense, sickly craving for a bacon and egg roll on Turkish, drenched in bbq sauce, these are sadly the main factors that impregnate my 'where is my head' brain throughout the day after a big night out with the team. A team consisting of me and a stranger I found on the dancefloor.
Oh Sunday sesh, why you make me drink?
Glitches of the night subside with me as I try to hastily complete my tasks at hand during the day in the office at work. 'Oh god! I didn't? I didn't sleep with him? Oh god...I did....OH GOD.
Haha? Do I shrug it off? Should I message him? Shit. No... I'll wait for his reply. Wait... what’s his name? Shit. And I left my good g-string there too. You know, the black one laced with jewels that has a hole at the back so he can pull me into him from behind sorta thing? Yeh. The expensive one. Well I'm never getting THAT back. Shit.
*Work Hot Line Blings*
"Hello, is this Tina?" 'Yes? Who may I ask is speaking?' 'This is Anne, I found your phone at the beach, it was left in the sand and I tripped on it as I went for a jog this morning.' 'Anne! Thank you! May I meet you today to pick it up?' 'Not a worry, I can drop it to you if you like?' My phone is my life. This lady saved my life. Although I nearly sprained her ankle due to my ill behaviour on the beach...if you catch my drift...
I get the phone from Anne later on during the day and give her a smelly, cigarette infused hug with a stench she can smell from the night before. 'She crinkles a smile and we go our separate ways.
'I hope we never run into each other again, she definitely knows what I've been up to.'
*FINGERS QUICKLY ENTER IPHONE PASSCODE AND HEAD STRAIGHT TO PHOTO ALBUM!*
Oh god...let’s see the evidence.
I click into the album. Ew? A video of me dancing to Renegade Master (I thought I looked sexy at the time) doing a half grind and a booty shake. I'm never dancing again. *flicks to next image* blurry picture of drinks *flicks to next picture* another blurry picture of me doing a shot at the bar *flicks to next image* OH NO. Oh lord oh lord oh....hmm nice, we actually look like a power couple in this. Wait. You've just had a one night stand with the guy. Hold up woman. Eughh my head hurts, I'll need to look at these later. Very. Later. Maybe never.
Hours later, my eyes molest the clock waiting for the little hand to tick to its full last minute of the hour so I can bounce the fuck out of my office. Tick. 4pm baby!!! I stand up and bolt for the door. SEE YA!
As I get home, I stumbled on my dog, still feeling the alcohol in my blood, tripping up the stairs waiting for bed. I get in the door. YES! Work is over, hangover will hopefully be over soon. As for my one night stand...ergh it's still there.. Lingering…fuck I seriously need those undies man.
Crawling up to my room, getting unchanged and finally putting a pair of comfortable undies on, I lay in bed. Sad, sick, heavy headed, hungry but not hungry, embarrassed. I fall asleep deprived of any purity.
I wake up..I open my eyes, 'Ahhh..home. Alone. With no stranger.'I close my eyes and roll over to stretch out and hug my pillow to say thank you for not being a real person and...
I open my eyes again...fuck its just my vibrator. Pheeeew!!! I sit up and say a prayer.
"Dear body, I am never. drinking. again.
Love, your Renegade Absolutely Plastered Master."