A Detailed Guide on How to be the Worst Party Guest Ever
This past weekend, my friends and I decided to throw a Halloween party.
By ''this past weekend'', I mean we decided to have it a month ago and began tripping balls organizing everything last week.
The theme was ''Korova Milk Bar'', that bar scene from Stanley Kubrick's ''A Clockwork Orange'' where the mannequins dispense milk from their boobehs. We got mannequins and everything and none of us took a picture.
We entertained about 200 guests, giving away best constume prizes; providing candy, cups, ice and napkins for all. We even had lemon and lime slices, because this is what happens when girls organize something.
The landlord was freaking out- he couldn't understand why there were no syringes on the floor.
Believe it or not, I was sober for most of the evening considering I organized it and shit could have gotten very real at any point. Remaining this way allowed me to be able to observe the behaviour of the guests around me. I closely analyzed almost every drunk person that walked through the door of that warehouse.
This allowed me to come up with a mini list of people that took the positive vibes and fucked it in the ass without a condom giving it Syphilis. Here's to being the worst party guest, ever:
That one degenerate who equates ''alcohol'' with ''breaking shit''
Yes, someone took it upon themselves to kick a hole in the wall.
The venue was a piece of shit so whatever, but I have an absolutely un-scholarly theory about these kind of bad drunkards:
These are young (or old) people of the male gender (usually) who never properly dealt with issues from their childhood, for example; their parents getting divorced or the fact that maybe their parents liked their brother or sister more than them. They kept all this anger and confusion built up until the age where they discovered the wonders of alcohol.
Now they can't go to a party without getting into a fight or breaking something to make up for the attention they lack.
To them I offer these words of wisdom:
NO ONE ACTUALLY LIKES YOU. THIS INCLUDES YOUR ''FRIENDS'' BECAUSE YOU ARE LITERALLY A LIABILITY FOR THEM. THEY TOLERATE YOU BECAUSE THEY FEEL BAD. YOU HAVE A PROBLEM. IF YOU ABSOLUTELY NEED TO ACT LIKE A MOTHER FUCKER EVERY TIME YOU GET DRUNK- MAYBE YOU SHOULD STOP DRINKING ALCOHOL.
The Belligerent Racist
Towards the end of the night this random British dude appeared out of nowhere. His name was Adam. So if you're reading this, Adam from England; you done fucked up big time, son.
I knew something was a bit off when the DJ started playing some Indian tunes. He screamed out ''WHY THE FUCK IS HE PLAYING ARAB MUSIC''. To which I responded ''Um, it's actually Indian from India, but I'm guessing geography isn't your forté''.
So like 10 minutes passed, and he's still going on about how he wanted to fuck my friend, Samantha and telling a guy dressed like Yvon of the Yukon to burn his French flag because it's ''worthless''. I finally managed to make my exit:
''Yeah, I have to go over there'' I said. I then went up to my friend Anthony saying ''Yeah, that random British dude, he needs to be ejected from the party', like LIVE''
He still stuck around despite the fact that it was 3:30am and we all want to go home at this point. He asked my friend Karim for a smoke, who obliged. So Mr. Diplomacy asks Karim if he's Italian. Karim responds ''Yes, half..-'' when the Brit cuts him off saying ''Good, at least you're not Arab''.
Karim is half-Italian and also very half-Tunisian.
I'll let you figure out of the rest goes... OKNAW i'm going to tell you. They chased him down the street and at one point for some reason his pants fell down. He wasn't wearing underwear.
An important lesson in tolerance and boxer-briefs.
Who was that freaking weird girl with the blue wig who came alone and stole alcohol off of everyone.
It seems normal that considering the extensive guest list that we wouldn't know every single person at the party. I noticed this girl was bizarre from the get-go. She stayed until we kicked her out, at this point she had been talking to a mutual friend for a good period of time. I knew something was off when I noticed she was hiding a styrofoam mannequin head in her coat.
As soon as she left, my friend turns to me and says ''yeah, that girl totally snuck into the party- she didn't know anyone here and she spent the entire night stealing other people's alchohol.''
I figured it's normal because for every party we throw there's always that one borderline sociopath that manages to sneak in with the goal of stealing something. Maybe she should steal some social skills so that maybe next time she'll have friends and maybe she'll actually be invited somewhere.
To conclude this post I have realized that this is the reason why I don't want kids.
What if I give birth to some volatile, racist, kleptomaniac with poor social skills?
How am I supposed to help her market a sex tape when she's drawing little swastikas on every page of the business plan?
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